Part 1:

Nature abhors a vacuum... but that's nothing compared to a married couple's disdain of a single friend's lifestyle. This malady is commonly known as the dreaded Matchmaking Bug.

Roughly 80% of all married couples have been stricken with this mental disorder. Of the remaining 20% who haven't been, half are smart enough to not stud a dead horse. They accept the unwed individual as a normal human being. Such people are rare treasures and, at Christmas, the singles usually purchase wonderful gifts for their children. The final 10% treat the singles as if they had leprosy, convinced that associating with the unmarried will seduce a spouse (usually the husband) into heathenish debauchery and drunken orgies. (Frankly, if a single person knew of such depraved frivolity, why would he/she take along an married buddy to slow down the action?) At Xmas, those people's kids get the deluxe drum sets or boom boxes with speakers bigger than a car. (Ho, ho, ho! Ain't revenge sweet?)

That means that the infected 80% of married couples have their single friends in their matrimonial gun sights.

I can only speak from a male point of view... basically because I'm not a girl. (Some foolishness with X & Y chromosomes.) I have been assured, however, by women who prefer to remain single (and anonymous) that they too have faced similar problems. Their friends know as many marriage hungry men as mine know women lurking for wedding rings.

Singles are an endangered species!

I used to worm out of such precarious encounters with ease. When I was younger than 30, the lady would say to me, "You're not particularly handsome, are you?" then pack away her wedding veil. When I was under 40, the female lament became," You're not very wealthy, are you?" when she discovered my bank account was nothing but zeroes. Now women my age are saying, "You're still breathing!" and start rattling on about silver patterns.

To add to this growing nightmare, these women have begun talking about how their biological clocks are ticking away like atomic bombs and, now that their careers are firmly established, how they want a litter of screaming rug-rats to fulfill their lives. And who's to sire these whelps? One woman asked me pointblank, "Can you imagine what kind of child you'd father?" I cannot describe the heinous image that formed in my mind... but I almost threw up. It would be a sin to unleash such a critter on an unsuspecting world.

There are two classifications of women these matchmaking couples foist upon their (vaguely) innocent unattached male friends: The ones chosen by the wife and those picked by the husband. Since the wife's ideas concerning a male's perfect mate are the most deadly, we'll start with her.

When women seek a mate for some hapless chump, her selection usually fulfills one of the three big questions:

1. Will the lady fill in the gaps of the gentleman's personality?
2. Can the lady's character flaws be glossed over so her gentleman caller won't spot them until it's too late?
3. How desperate is the lady for a husband?

A Type 1 date involves the misconception that opposites attract. Mark has a strange sense of humor. Find him a lady who hasn't laughed in twenty years. Mark has weak political views. Set him up with a gung ho militant who dreams of running for public office. Mark is creative and artistic. Stick him with a no nonsense business woman.

Far-fetched? I wish it were so...