Now that I'm over fifty, I reflect back and wonder why I did not keep the friends I used to have. Part of it is my now-diagnosed social anxiety disorder that prevents me from going into crowded places. Another is my allergy to tobacco smoke that prevents me from going into smoky places. But, most of all, it is my aversion to being a fifth wheel.
I do not go out with others because, frankly, no one invites me. Even longtime friends expect me to call first so they can see if I can come over. It makes me feel like a beggar with my hat in my hand, pleading for a moment out of their busy schedules. After a while, I stop calling... and they wonder why I haven't been around.
Yes, I have emotional problems. Who doesn't these days? And, true, my life is not as hectic as theirs. I do not have children nor grandchildren and the continuous circus they create. So what is my role in their lives? Am I to be a television-style demented clown who drops unexpected, does my shtick and then leaves? Such characters are leeches and moochers and my pride allows me to do just so much freeloading. I like picking up the check occasionally. I enjoy going to someone's home with soda and snacks to share. I want to be involved without being a burden. But, most of all, I want to be asked.
I missed my nephew's graduation. I got an engraved notice but I didn't know what to do. Was I supposed to send a gift and stay at home? Attend the graduation services? Was the whole thing a formality? I am betting on the latter. I pick up my mail at my post office box twice a month and the day I got the invitation was the day after he graduated. Either very short notice or I was an afterthought, a solution in what to do with the leftover invitations once all the welcomed family and friends were sent theirs. If I was on the A-List, why didn't my sister call? My telephone number is listed.
I'm not going to even begin addressing my thorny relationship with my father. He did not bother to notified me when he was in the hospital. I was expected to already know. Sorry, Dad, but your son's not clairvoyant. If I was, I would have picked the winning Powerball numbers long ago and be living a more financially stable life.
I am alone in the world. Surprisingly, that is not a sad statement. I'm comfortable within my own skin. I can sit before my computer or do art projects for hours on end and never speak a single world. It has even given me the courage now to look for employment away from the Joplin area. No ties to hold me hostage, just memories of people who don't remember me.
There are times, though, a little friendship would be nice. To be invited and not forgotten. I can honestly say that, when I die, there will be no tears shed at my funereal. Before there can be mourners, someone has to show up first.
